SO THA GUYS KEEP ROLLIN IN

So I think it is quite hillerious....guys kep rollin in when i said im thappy that im single!!!...too
bad they aint all that cute though....lol

i think im just realoly picky...so fellas...if u aint taller then me, or hella fine lookin...im sorry lol

kinda mean i noe...bein a lol cocky i noe haha

feelin tha love

so im talkin to jill...dang i miss her...she started talk bout how proud of me she was...

so i started thinkin to myself...i love my life...im spoiled, i got outta a really bad relationship, im goin to school my parents are paying for, im movin into my own apartment, i have frens n family who support me in everything i do, MY GOD LOVES ME TO DEATH...LITERALLY...im so happy with my life...i finally realize i dnt needa boy to make me happy

thank you GOD....for everything you've done for me..im so BLESSED...you bless me so much im spoiled!!!!...u still love me even wen im doin something wrong...your here with me no matta wat...u love me more then any one...thank you for my WONDERFUL frens...thank you for my awsome parents...thank you for my wonderful life!!!!...i love you LORD!!!!!

SOMETHING I THOUGHT I NEVA WUD BE..BUT NOW I NOE I WILL NEVA BE AGAIN

this is a blog i wrote to brian in my notebook on how he made me feel...its more like a spoken word...i just thought it was good lol..BRIAN if your reading this...the only reason why i put this is because i thought it was good spoken word sort of thing...YES I AM OVER YOU...in not that pathetice to be still crying over you till now

i remeber telling myself i would never be one those girls

those girls whoz boyfriends treat them like crap

i never knew what those girls thought

i always asked myself why are those girls so stupid?

dont they see whats happening to them

why do they keep goin back when they know its never going to change

why do they hold on

i alwaysed asked why do THOSE girls do that

i dont ask do THOSE girls do that anymore

i ask why do I do that

its sad to say that i HAD have turned in THOSE girls

i keep telling myself "its never going to change, he will ALWAYS be a jerk"

i know now THOSE girls thought the samething

the answer is simple

in the back of our heads we still have that hope

the hope of yes he will change

the hope of it being like it WAS, the good times, the love that WAS there

we are blinded on how things WERE before they were bad

we go into that thinking oh i cant stand seeing him with another girl, i have to be the one with the new relationship first

REALITY...how will you get a new guy if you cant get rid of ur old one?

that small hope of him changing is what kills us the most along with the words baby i love you

i promise i wont do it again..all that bullshit that they say that will make us stay

we cant accept that fact that things will NEVER be the same and or that he will NEVER change

our friends and family see us hurting

the most they can do is try and comfort us...they do what they can

but they know the pain is still there

i feel that pain of gettin hurt over and over and over again

wondering what the hell i did wrong

that small hope of brian changing...

when i know that he isnt

they daily routine of being stuck here hurting, being lied to and feeling worthless

crying my eyes out cuz of the fighting, calling him none stop hoping he will pick up but knowing he wont thinking to myself "im so pathetic"

tears are rolling down late at nite, still tryn to call him, wanting to call my friends to help me ease the pain but cant because they wont know how i feel

an hour passes by tears are still rolling down my eyes while STILL tryn to get hold of him, with him noeing that im cryong my eyes out then i would fall alseep with my pillow soaked in tears

being unhappy 24/7

with no one knowing with what im going through

(but kristine noes now HAHAHAHAHAHAHA)

yeah needs some werk but im proud of myself i can write so good lol....i like that little touch at the end lol

HERE BORED!!!!

I felt like being concided today so i put 2 pics up lol...well im here bored in alemeda...neone wanna come out and play??? lol

i was lookin at pics from tha motherland...darn...i hella want that orange tan back...i looked soo hot lol...as u can tell from tha pic of me with tha lama...but that wsnt in tha motherland lol..i dnt look hot in that pic tohugh lol

bored n hungry...i cant wait till tomorrow...my haircut will be finished!!! lol...i needa make frens here in alemeda lol...all my frens are either across tha bay bridge or tha otha bridge haha...i hate being so lonely lol

things got me thinking

so im home rite now...really really bored...i wanna move back to vallejo...bleh...lol...but yeah
went to panera bread today...bomb as usual

so i was thinking yesturday...we some wat had a religion talk at school...buddism...not a religion but a way of life...isnt that christianity also???...well my favorite teach HELLAnette is buddist...she was talkin bout her new bf...how he was christian baptized...like his whole fam is hardcore christian...she was sayn stuff bout tha preachin..how she dint like it cuz pin pointed her out like on everything she sed...she sed stuff bout being christianize...now things shud be perfect n stuff

me..tha usual quiet type...was just observin...also wonderin wen i wud go in n defend my half...but neva got tha chance too...

so i will say it here

wer not all like that...most of us christians are just like you....yes there are those christianize people in this world but for tha most part no...cuz i noe we scare them away...also there are people who also say christian people are a bunch of fakes...they have a life like tha way they do like all bad n stuff...but like they go to church n all that stuff

yes i also admit i am somewat like that...but not really...wer not perfect...some christians live 2 different lives...all good in front of the youth group but hella bad wer their with tha seculars...yeah i go out n party...i also admit i drink...but ive only been drunk or buzzed...or wateva u call it twice in my life...i also admite i'll drink socially but not to get drunk...that part i have to werk on...i slip out sometimes wer i swear...but who doesnt???...bleh...i have no idea wer im gettin at lol

for those people who like to judge on wat christians really are...yes there are those sterotypicall ones...but go to mym church for a sunday or a youth nite...try it out...see how you like it..if you dont...then you neva have to come back..ur choice

by tha way...out concert is MAY 10...come n support us!!!!...all proceeds go to a good cause

1st blog of the year

i like tha way i look in this pic...except for my eyebrows haha

but yeah...havt writtin here in a while...like i always write in here alot neways...haha

life has been good...my n brian...WER FOREALS DONE!!!...you people are either like damn finally...or thinkin how long them bein done gunna last this time lol

well we are foreals done...havnt talked to him in a while...its better that way for the both of us...i admit i do miss him from time to time but watever..wer done, he was a jerk, and im sorta feelin this one guy...

i turned 20 exactly a week ago...sadly i have those quarter mid life crisis sort of thing... i noe im young but im still gettin old no matter wat lol

i hadda bbq with jordan las sunday...they caked me so bad...i hadda whole cake in my face!!! haha....fun times

im also somewat hangin around chrissy's frens more often...they a bunch of cool people lol...made some cool homies...funny...their all hogan people lol

ive realized something last sunday...it was during alter call....jojo came up to me n sed i miss sing you cry...i was allt hinking, wait, all the times i used to cry was at alter call, then i realized GOD misses me always crying and yearning for him

when i was with brian that was all i ever did...GOD doesnt just want me to come to him when im hurting...he wants me to come to him even when im happy like now...also he told me yes, i have putted you with this group of people, yes i have ate with sinners, but i didnt sin with them...i admit when i hung out with them i drunk with them too...i got HELLA drunk one time, i passed out threw up and everything, i cudnt remember nething...i also admit that is something i have to werk on too...but i noe i wnt get as drunk as i did at that one party

things u learn or realized wen you least expect it...i love it lol

that's all for now!!!!

DEDICATED TO BRIAN HOLCOMBE

Everytime i think about you i think: "i was never good enough"you treated christel and kristine better then me...you went to see them, you bought them stuff, you spent time with them. you never cheated or anything wrong with them...



to me you: lied, cheated, never saw me, never even called me on my birthday, never even got me a card, you never called back, you always got mad at me for always geting suspisous of you cheating and you know why,. most of all you made me feel like i wasnt worth anything. i was in san diego and you didnt even come and see me!!!!!!!!!!....i was less then 20mins away from you!!!! when you where in friscko you didnt even come see me!!!...there i was less then 10mins away from you!!!!!1



i know you never said anything verbally but your actions made it seem like that...to me I WAS NEVER GOOD ENOUGH for you to even just see once in the past 2 1/2 years. The only nice thing you ever did for me was talk to me on the fone



dont get me wrong...i loved all the times we talked on the fone...but really...it felt like i was in a relationship with my cell phone...i only saw you once in my life...kinda sad huh??...i only saw you once because i was never good enough to see again



I did more stuff for you than you ever did for me...your the guy isnt it supose to be the other way around?...i got you cards on your birthdays and christmas.. i called you on your birthday, i got you presents, i let you put me through the stress of you on my fone bill and payin me late, i took you back when you did me wrong, i let you make me cry and get mad at me even more when i did. i made my 18th birthday in la just so you can come, did you. i never told you this but i was crying because you never came that day...i was crying on my own birthday cuz of you!!!



the wrong i did to you: i cussed at you when you cheated, i cussed at you when ever you didnt pay me, and i kept callin your house disturbing your whole family till YOU answered. and you know you deserved it



the main point im getting at is why???....what did i do to make u treat me like that?...why havnt you ever came to see me?...you havnt you ever done a nice jesture for me?...you say you got me stuff...why couldnt you have sent it?







WHAT DID I DO TO MAKE YOU TREAT ME THE WAY YOU DO?